When Motherhood Isn’t the Dream

04.24.25

Lately, the topics of marriage and children seem to dominate almost every conversation I have. Which, honestly, is a little ironic—because we’re living through one of the most economically confusing and unstable times. In just five months, I’ll be turning 25. So naturally, talks about the future have become more common.

As I listen to those around me gush about weddings and babies, I can’t help but feel like the odd one out.

I’ve never really been the kind of girl who lights up at the thought of changing my entire life for another human being. I know that sounds harsh—especially coming from someone who’s been in a relationship for five years. But everyone seems to have these expectations about what I should want. And honestly? I just can’t relate.

How do I explain to people around me that I don’t necessarily agree with traditional beliefs? That the idea of creating—not just a child, but an entire soul—feels… haunting.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I see my younger self staring back at me. It’s like she’s asking, “Is this really what we’re supposed to do?”

It’s not just the thought of being responsible for a whole human being for the rest of my life that feels overwhelming—it’s how casually people talk about it. Like it’s no big deal. I’ve worked in a gynecology office for a couple of years now. When I first started, I loved the idea of helping women in any way I could—even if it meant dealing with the occasional cranky patient. But after hearing countless stories from women who say they’ve never felt the same—physically, emotionally, spiritually—after having kids, I started to realize how much I love my life the way it is. And how much I want to protect that.

I know that might sound selfish. And maybe it is as selfish as it sounds. But why do I get dirty looks, side comments, or flat-out judgment for wanting to live a life that’s truly mine?

And yes, I already know what some of you are thinking:
“She’ll change her mind.”
“That’s what they all say.”

But I’ve felt this way for over eight years. So I have to ask—if something has sat this deeply in me for that long… will it really change?

Every time I imagine my future, there isn’t a little one running around me—or me chasing after them.

Instead, I hear French bells ringing across the ocean, calling me toward new adventures. I see deep conversations, spontaneous moments, and a life so rich and full it’s enough for me, myself, and I.

And honestly—who really gets to decide what’s right or wrong when it comes to the life we choose?